Tomorrow is a year since my mum died. Days after she died, I asked one of the few close friends I know who had lost a parent, how she had coped. She sent me this:
“When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.” Kahlil Gibran
Over the last few months I have felt myself turning a corner, regular visitors have commented on it too, thank you. People say the toughest part of the grief journey is about getting through the firsts, and that often it starts to feel better as a year approaches. It is true, although I am feeling somewhat derailed by the enormity of tomorrow, and if I am honest there’s a slight sense of feeling cheated, that having made it to a year there’s still nothing waiting at the finish line.
But, for me the answer is, and always will be Gibran’s words. When I look back over mum’s little legacies I realise she also gave me the tools to cope. Amazing gifts which have helped me to delight in life, and to continue to delight in life without her. Relaxation exercises, positive ways to frame the day, stories, a love of nature, recipes, rituals, the names for flowers and birds, mind mapping. But there’s one legacy I really struggle with.
Mum loved music, and had the most amazing collection ranging from folk to rock, from world to classical, from Nirvana to Bach. I won’t forget her dancing round the kitchen G and T in hand, a new musical discovery chasing away the working week on a Friday night. I won’t forget my brother and I in the hospital last year playing her some of her favourite tracks on her ipod.
In the days after she died my brother and Dad took out her CDs and played them repeatedly. But I still today find it pretty impossible to listen to many things without bawling. Last weekend when someone played a CD she owned, I tuned out, talked loudly through it and breathed a sigh of relief when it finished and something innocuous like Bruno Mars came on the radio. I spent half an hour in the toilets at a wedding last year because something else set me off.
Anyway, it’s time to face up to that legacy because it’s been quiet for too long and I’m sick of only listening to rubbish pop. Once upon a time, when mum was young, and at a folk festival with my Dad, the Scottish folk musician and extraordinary guitarist Bert Jansch played this song Angie, and dedicated it to her. Sadly, in looking him up for this post, I found he died last year too. All the more reason to share an amazing piece of music.
On Saturday we will go to mum’s tree, high in the hills and I will delight in what to me is the most beautiful spot in the world.
Little legacy is a remembrance project , a positive and creative space, to celebrate small things handed down by inspiring people. Feel free to link up a little legacy you’ve been thinking about this week, or to leave one in the comments. Here’s the code and here’s more on Little Legacy
A very beautiful and touching post…. it made me feel full of joy though. Joy for life and all the people in mine
I have never heard the quote you posted but it is truly brilliant and I will never forget it. So here we are you, have given me a little legacy! Thank you for the inspiration.
Wishing you strength for tomorrow x
Glad you spotted there were two (at least) this week. It as going to be the little legacy for this week but then, as is often the case my mind went off on a tangent.
Thank you, mum would want us all to see the joy x
And what a beautiful song choice by an incredible guitarist. This video is also shot in my favourite music venue of all time – Paradiso in Amsterdam (if I’m not mistaken).
It is isn’t it?
Just read your travel post btw, I haven’t been to that venue although I have been to Amsterdam!
This must have been very hard to write. I will hold your hand. Be brave and keep listening. Eventually the crying with subside, and you’ll be able to smile as you listen and think of her doing the same.
It took me about 3 years until I could listen to the lyrics of Butterfly by Corinne Bailey Rae. Ok if I share?
“In my mother’s house
There’s a photograph
Of a day gone past
Always makes me laugh.
There’s a little girl
Wary of the world
She got much to learn……
An affinity
Between you and me
Cause we’re family
Said that I’d be fine
Give me all your time
And I left your side
Like a butterfly”
I hope that hasn’t made it worse, and will be thinking of you tomorrow. Helen
Thank you, yes I’ve listened to Angie loads of times this morning and you are right!
Lovely song, thinking of CBR’s voice makes me think it’s criminal to avoid such beautiful music!
x
I’ve been thinking about you recently, knowing the first anniversary of my dad’s death corresponds with that of your mum.
Most of the time I get on with my life here but I agree it’s music that can set me off. And certainly my mum always becomes very bereft when she hears pieces of music that remind her of her husband.
Even this morning I heard Ebony and Ivory on the radio and it caught me by surprise, remembering my dad taking me to school in the car when we would attempt the harmonies of this song together.
Keep being strong and know others are thinking of you x
Thanks so much Trish, so glad we are back in touch, and so lovely to be thought of x Will be thinking of you too.
That’s a lovely memory, music is so very powerful isn’t it?
Beautiful post, Penny. What CD was it last weekend? I’ll be thinking of you tomorrow N xxxx
The Beruit one I think. I’m not sure, might be mixed up but it rang a bell, I think my brother bought it for my mum, I will have to listen to it, it’s clearly very good if all 3 of you love it xxx
You can’t get a better recommendation, can you?! Do have a listen, if you can bear it. I love that album. xxx
What beautiful words and beautiful music.
Your Mum left you lots of special things, lots of fantastic memories which some you have chosen to share with us. I for one am grateful for that. It has been a pleasure getting to know your Mum through your blog over the year and with that your Mum’s life goes on.
I used to light a candle for my Mum and now more at Christmas also I like her favourite flowers. My husband buys me flowers every Christmas eve because I like them but actually I like them for my Mum x
Your Mum’s tree sounds lovely, I planted one for my Mum from a friend who gave me vouchers to do that. Though now I have moved I wished I planted somewhere else.
I am glad you now have proper music in your house again, though I don’t mind a bit of pop as well.
Love and thanks lovely lady xxx
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Beautiful words, lovely music. Thinking of you today. Emma xx
Thought of you often yesterday and again today.
I hated the first year as I was not really sure I was equipped to survive it so there was sadness but also relief to mark the first anniversary which we did with a special Mass.
The second year there was a Mass but I took the children to one of Mum’s favourite seaside resorts for a fun day out.
Hoping the second year is full of delights yet to be revealed. Your Mum should be very proud of a fantastic woman, one I have being pleased to get to know better this year.
My mum has been gone 11 years. It gets easier,in the first year I cried at everything but now it’s a rare occurrence. I will link up a post this week im honour of your mum who sounds fab from your descriptions. Well done on getting in tots100 top 10. X
Beautiful post, made me cry. Thinking of you. You are an incredible lady taking after your Mum who lives on in you and your children. Lots of love x
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