LIB·ER·AL/ˈLIB(Ə)RƏL/
Adjective: Open to new behaviour or opinions and willing to discard traditional values.
Noun: A person of liberal views.
Synonyms: generous – bounteous – lavish – bountiful – free
My parenting was fairly liberal. I first realised this when our kitchen table became a gathering place for teenagers, when my Mum escorted us to Glastonbury, when boyfriends were allowed to stay over. But to be honest it’s only recently I have learnt how and why that could happen, and what it actually means to be a liberal parent. Liberal does not mean let the kids run wild and do as they please. The flip side to being liberal is about teaching responsibility, encouraging openness, empowering children to make their own decisions and to take calculated risks. Then you can have more freedom.
There’s a whole heap of scaffolding that goes on as a liberal parent, and it’s very time consuming and it’s also quite invisible to the naked eye. When I wrote my mum’s eulogy this time last year I realised just how much scaffolding had gone into giving me so much freedom. My mum had a psychology degree, was a teacher and a playtherapist, our liberal parenting was a very informed choice.
Whatever your parenting style, when you meet parents with dramatically different styles, you clash, or worse still you try and meet in the middle. It’s trying to meet in the middle that’s the killer, a surreal parenting tango in which lots of grown up toes get stepped on and kids are left lost in a parenting battlefield.
In talking to my Dad last week, and airing some frustrations about trying to get my 3yo to ‘behave’ in line with other kids, my Dad told me to stop worrying he was 3, and that’s what 3 year olds do. He wisely reminded me that he will grow up, grow out of it and that it saddens him to see so many parents trying to force their kids, under perceived social pressure, to behave in such regimented ways in public.
I’ll hold my hand up high and say I value my children’s creativity and self expression above cultivating table manners, although that’s not to say I won’t reinforce them, I just don’t want to have a battle over it. I don’t want my parenting to be suffocating, by expecting my children to share before they are cognitively able, or by expecting them to sit still before they are ready, or the bug bear of the media, and of me right now, by forcing them to learn formally when they are too young, and all they want to do is play. But when I look around, I feel a bit steam rollered into this stuff.
One thing I have noticed, is that while my kids won’t always hardly ever sit still, tidy up, listen the first time, or eat nicely, I think they have developed big doses of empathy and emotional intelligence and rarely pick out other people’s bad behaviour or faults. Surely these things are more important than table manners?
Of course there’s been lots in the media lately about whether we have become too child centric. I would argue no, we aren’t nearly child centric enough, we need to let kids be kids more, but maybe what’s missing is the recognition that freedom and responsibility go hand in hand and that teaching that takes a lot of time and energy.
So that’s my parenting style, and it’s roots in Mum and Dad. Ultimately, we all just want the best for our kids. What about you?
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I think I can say I was a liberal parent, my two like yours (yes they don’t get better!) are incredibly messy, totally untrained when it comes to the washing basket (though Oscar did asked me this morning “I put my socks in the washing basket, was that right?”) Okay I take back what I said earlier, he is 10 (!) but they have huge doses of caring, empathy, kindness and so much love to give that quite frankly I wouldn’t swap a tidy room, a perfect knife and fork eater (do you really need knives!) for that.
Parenting is something you learn on the way and of course take from your own parents too. I agree kids should be allowed to be kids for longer. The school system has a lot to answer for there I feel, right from a little dot that they start they are pushed to be independant. To me a 4 year old doesn’t need to be independant they need love and caring and to be a 4 year old having fun . Everyone wonders why there 12 year old acts like 16 well actually it is because they were forced to grow up to quickly!!! (not mine thankfully)
Rant over, childhood is precious lets keep it that way xxx
Thank you so much Ali, I loved your rant, as always it helped me organise my thoughts some more, you’re so right to flag up the mixture of influences that go into our parenting. Sounds like you have Oscar well trained!
Interesting. I think four year olds should be independent in some ways. I think it helps them feel self confident and grow as a person. Obviously sometimes they need more help and sometimes they are just not ready for something. I think four year olds should do things like get dressed, tidy up after themselves etc. simple things but they have pride. If you don’t teach them to do these things for themselves by the time they are teenagers they will struggle to cope. I think it is scaffolded independence. This will help them not go off the rails when they are older.
my parents were anything but liberal and I left home at 16 because of it. I am determined to make my own parenting mistakes and not be like my parents. I want my boys to remain children for as long as possible. They are not always the best behaved children, but they do say please and thank you when out!
Love what you say about making your own mistakes, I want to go back and add a paragraph on that now! And sometimes I catch myself being very authoritarian, that’s me rebelling I guess, and me not being as patient as my mum. It was liberating when I had a personality test and realised patience with small children is something my type finds more challenging than others.
I battle with myself all the time . Am I too soft and let my kids run rings around me or is it that they are only young and I should let them be? It’s hard to strike that balance.
I want my kids to express their own opinions maybe a bit of defiance is necessary for them to achieve this.
I also sometimes feel the criticisms of others when I let my kids eat with their fingers, get dirty , climb, pick things up from the floor, play with small objects or use real tools but I’m glad that I do.
You should write a book about your mum’s philosphy of parenting – I’d buy it.
Off to write my little legacy now in honour of my own mum who would have had her birthday tomorrow.
I have been thinking about this all day, its so hard to capture in words what you do, especially when you contradict yourself as a parent much as I do in a day! You’re right parenting is a balancing act, in a constant state of flux.
My husband and I both value creativity, confidence and challenging things, and I guess we channel those values over others. I do agree when you say kids need to be allowed to be defiant
Thanks for the book idea!
Penny I’m having problems with the image in the code,are you aware of any problems? R
What an incredibly enlightening post. My Mum said something similar recently about Oliver being 2 and that’s why he was responding the way he was (ie not listening, pulling the cat’s tail). While cat abuse is not on, in other areas you are so right, it’s about recognising the positives and not allowing didatic books and thoughts on how to raise kids to influence us. If my child turns out like you, I’m happy.
Great post, really interesting. I am more relaxed about some things. I think you set what is important to you. As long as you are consistent then children respond well to it.
Brilliant post. With you all the way. Let’s bring up decent and caring, creative and expressive children and not make them into “perfect” clones. Your Mum had her head screwed on and so do you. Missing linking up. Super busy and reeling from two acquaintances dying way too young. Back soon. Little Legacy sustains me on the dark days and makes brighter ones too.
Love this post. I had a rocky relationship with my Mum growing up as she came down hard on us, especially the girls (my brother seemed to get away with murder). But as we grew, we realised just how liberal both my parents were, especially in the African context.
I’m fiercely proud of the values of fair thinking, open mindedness, good humour, generosity and a love of learning that I hope I’ve inherited from my parents and that I aim to hand down to the babes. Sometimes I feel myself coming down too hard on my eldest too, and my OH and I have the occasional tussle where our own ideas clash, but hopefully we’ll get the balance right. I talk to both kids a lot about what we think is important as human beings – and it’s definitely not just the ability to sit still, but to really listen to people. Above all, to be kind.
Ok, what a long-winded comment! Very thought-provoking piece, thanks Penny!