This week I am trying to get ahead of myself and have opened Alexander Residence up to some guest posts. Ryan Butler offered to find some real quotes from the mouths of real kids, brilliant, some festive cheer. Over to him:

The funniest thing about kids is that they’re comedy geniuses without even realising it. They see things in black and white and, as such, appear almost colour blind to the fact that what they’ve said could be a punch line from a sitcom.

Adult humour (usually) exists on a different plain to that of a child’s observations. But sometimes, just sometimes, the two levels collide to dramatic comical effect.

Below is a list of the 5 funniest things myself, family, friends and colleagues have heard from kids over the years. Bear in mind, none of this is deliberate comedy from our young friends, but by Jebus it ain’t half funny.

1. Blinding lights

At a restaurant on a family holiday to Florida, Granddad takes his seat, positioned directly under a particularly bright light.

Son: “Dad, do you mind putting a hat on? That light is bouncing off your bald spot into our eyes.”

Adam, 5: “Granddad isn’t bald daddy, he’s just got a lot of head.”

2. The X Factor

It’s week one of the live X Factor shows and the wonderfully talented Ella Henderson takes to the stage.

Charlie, 6: “When she opens her mouth to sing mummy…”

Mummy: “Yes?”

Charlie, 6: “Well, mummy, it looks like her head might fall in half.”

3. Weird ears

Grandma and Granddad are looking after Cassie for the night. They’re sat watching Saturday night television together.

Granddad: “Sylvie, turn up the TV can you.”

Grandma: “They can already hear it next door!”

Granddad: “My ears aren’t what they used to be though are they.”

Cassie, 4: “But granddad?”

Granddad: “Yes.”

Cassie, 4: “What did your ears used to be?”

4. Worm tartare

Anna, 2, is busying herself with garden delicacies when mum spots a suspiciously worm-looking object hanging from her mouth.

Mum: “No, no, no you can’t eat that!”

Anna, 2: “Do we need to cook it first?”

5. Bra hits floor

Mum has taken her bra off in preparation for her bi-weekly spray tan, forgetting that the door is slightly ajar. Queue little Keira, 5, who makes her entrance into mummy’s bedroom.

Mum: “What’s wrong, Keira?”

Keira, 5, with tear-filled eyes: “Mummy, why are your boobies on the floor?”

These are just a small selection of comical lines brilliantly brought to us by the pragmatic minds of children.

If you’ve got any memorably funny observations that you’d like to contribute, Ryan and I would love you to share them in the comments box below.

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